There's no going back (Verkwan)
by lilsnowflakesvt
Summary: He shouted until he couldn't take it no more. Until every word trapped in his lungs was released and tears started falling. He shouted at the wind so it will carry it all away. He shouted at the sea so it will become infinite. He shouted at the stars so they'll shine for everything he couldn't say. He shouted at himself for being a coward unable to run to him.


**There's no going back**

He felt the water under his feet flowing to the ocean waves, crashing right behind him while the night breeze was caressing his face and messing his hair up. He could see the stars shining above his head and some ships sailing on the skyline. It was his favorite time of the day to be there, when everyone was gone and he could enjoy himself. However, something was wrong. For the first time in a while, the sea couldn't calm his thoughts. He was as uneasy as he felt when he got there. He couldn't help but keep thinking about what happened that morning.

How did he end up like that, avoiding everyone and hiding from his problems? At which point was the sea not enough to calm him if Vernon wasn't around? He couldn't recall the moment all of this started. When did their accomplice look become something else? When did his body started begging for more than just little caresses? Why was he willing to kiss his lips? At some point of their coexistence, Seungkwan stopped seeing him as a member and thinking about losing him was his greatest fear. He couldn't bear being next to Vernon as usual, but living without him wasn't an option. How could you run away from someone who's part of your own group? How could you stay with him not affecting anybody else?

-That's because you're too emotional, Boo Seungkwan -he told himself, sitting on the sand. Sighing, he hugged his legs and rested his head on his knees. He remained still with closed eyes, trying to take control over his thoughts. Why was it so difficult? Why couldn't he control his feelings the way Wonwoo did?

Seungkwan still remember what they talked. "Hyung, what do you do so anybody notices what you feel for Mingyu? Do you have a trick or something to hide your feelings?" He asked, desperate, looking through the window. "I'm not made of stone, Seungkwan" he smiled at him. "You're the only one who I've told what I feel, but the guys already suspect something. He's just absent-minded. It's not about how I hide what I feel. It's about how he hadn't noticed it yet." They hadn't talked about it again, work and the company blocked those few minutes when neither of them had to act as if everything was the same.

He sighed again, opening his eyes and looking up at the endless sea right in front of him. Why did he take leave of his senses? Why instead of facing his mistake he ran away not listening to anyone? He could listen to music coming from the house, their laughs and their voices... They all were enjoying one of these few free days since their debut days. After finishing the photoshoot for their upcoming album, they were allowed to enjoy a day off at the beach. However, while the boys were having fun, Seungkwan was hiding there, far from the bustle and his members.

-Hi.

-Hi -he answered looking at the skyline. There was no need to look back to guess who it was-. Wonwoo, I'm not gonna get back. Not yet.

-I know. I won't drag you in there. I just wanted to bring you some warm clothes, it's getting colder -he carefully wrapped him in a blanket, either forcing him to look at him or saying anything else. Wonwoo didn't need words to know what was going on his mind and since he understood him, he won't be the one dragging him back home-. Take the time you need and when you're done being here alone, come back. We'll be waiting for you.

-Thanks, hyung -was the only thing he could say, enough to make Wonwoo smile before going back to the house again.

Seungkwan hadn't noticed the cold weather, he didn't even noticed he was shivering until he felt the warm blanket on his shoulders. Had he already reached this point? Had he became the lovesick cliché who, hiding from anyone else, didn't feel anything around him anymore? Seungkwan never liked those clichés, he actually hated them but... why was he sitting on the sand wondering why Vernon hadn't came after him as the main character from a film would do? He acted as a fool, he was aware of it. There was no need to shout at him like that. It seemed fine if Vernon didn't want to see him again, not chasing after him seemed alright. Vernon should be angry at him, not worried.

-I must have stayed still. I must have let him flirt with her and not shout at him like that -he nagged himself, shutting his eyes again, trying to save the tears from falling. He shouldn't cry, it was unfair. He had no right to cry because this was all his fault-. Why did I fall in love with you, Vernon? Could something be easy for once?

He stood up, the blanket still covering his shoulders, facing the extension of sea. It's said that words may be carried away on the wind, isn't it? So he'll shout them to the wind, letting it carry off his feelings and when all is said, he'll return home, as if nothing was wrong.

-I'M IN LOVE WITH YOU, HANSOL, AND I CAN'T HELP IT. I DON'T KNOW NEITHER HOW TO HIDE IT NOR HOW TO AVOID MISTAKES LIKE THIS. BUT I LOVE YOU EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T KNOW IT. I CAN'T LIVE NEITHER WITHOUT YOU NOR WITH YOU.

He shouted until he couldn't take it no more. Until every word trapped in his lungs was released and tears started falling. He shouted at the wind so it will carry it all away. He shouted at the sea so it will become infinite. He shouted at the stars so they'll shine for everything he couldn't say. He shouted at himself for being a coward unable to run to him.

When he was done, he felt exhausted and knew it was the time to go back and face everyone. It was the time to cover himself up under a smile and pretend he was the same young boy who kept joking around.

-Seungkwan... -he suddenly hear his voice, the voice he kept dreaming about. And then he knew he've heard everything. He suddenly heard his voice, the voice he couldn't take out of his mind. And then his world collapsed-. Seungkwan? -he called again-. Is it true?

Seungkwan gulped, afraid of tuning back. He didn't want to know what was his reaction. Repulsion? Anger? He focused on his own breathing. Would he run away if he found out it was true? Would Vernon hate him? He was struggling to keep it together while thinking of all the possibilities.

-Seungkwan, look at me, please -he begged worried and scared. He was as frightened or even more than him.

Slowly and still focusing on his breath, Seungkwan turned around. Both their scared eyes met each other's slowly. Words wouldn't come out, he couldn't talk at all. His heart was bumping so loud in his chest he thought he'd pass out. Seungkwan didn't want this to happen, he didn't want Vernon to know about his feelings this way. He thought about laughing it off and tell him it was a joke, tell Vernon he knew he was around and he wanted to prank him, but Seungkwan knew he wouldn't be able to say that.

-Seungkwan, is it true? Answer me, please -with every beg, Vernon stepped forward him, narrowing the gap between them. He moved forward with caution, not wanting to scare him and making him run away again. Vernon wanted to hear him, he wanted Seungkwan to say it all again.

-I... -the knot in his throat was growing as Vernon was getting closer. Why was he moving forward? What was he aiming?

-Seungkwan, talk to me, please. Don't look away, just say something, please.

Seungkwan wanted to run again and hide somewhere else so he hadn't to answer. What if everything break apart? What if their friendship would be burned down into ashes? He sighed looking back at him, he wouldn't run away. It was too late, there was no going back and if he had to fall, he'd fall fighting. If everything was shaking and breaking apart around him, he'd hold every broken piece until he couldn't take it no more.

-I love you. Dammit, I love you and if everything has to end this way, let it be. I can't fake my feelings no more. I love you and there's no going b-

Seungkwan couldn't finish speaking. Before realizing what was going on, Vernon had already leant in for a shy kiss, waiting for a soon-to-come answer. Both their lips met slowly, delighting every minute, every second. If it was an illusion, he wished he'd never stop imagining it. Time stopped, everything around them disappeared and the both of them were left alone.

-Why should it end? Why shouldn't we start something new? -Vernon whispered on his lips, unable to step back again.

Seungkwan stared at him confused by his words, still taken aback by the little space between them and the sudden kiss.

-What if I don't want you going back or acting as if everything was fine? What if I don't want you to avoid it?

Vernon stepped back enough to look and smile widely at him.

-We won't go back. We won't avoid it. We'll write a whole new story, without haste, enjoying every single page.

Seungkwan couldn't help but admire his happy face, his deep eyes staring back at him. And then he knew it wasn't a dream, his words weren't meaningless and everything was actually happening.

-I love you, Boo Seungkwan.

—

Wonwoo smiled by the sight of them sitting on the sand, head to head, covered with the blanket he brought earlier. The sky was perfect to look up at the stars and now, neither of them would look at them alone.

-How did Vernon find him? -Mingyu asked, resting his head on the other's shoulder, backhugging him-. Jeon Wonwoo, you were supposed to remain on the sidelines of this.

His smile almost faded out when he hugged him. Always stuck by his side, Mingyu never left him alone more than what he needed and he didn't notice anything yet. He couldn't even see his own feelings. He was so innocent he kept thinking it was a simple friendship.

-And I did -he answered keeping his eyes on the new couple. After a moment of silence, he spoke the truth-. Maybe I told Joshua where Seungkwan was knowing Vernon could hear us.

-I'm amazed how you do this kind of things so easily -Mingyu sighed at his shoulder, causing a little shiver on him-. Are you cold? Do you want us to come inside again?

-I'm fine -"don't you know this is all because of you? Don't you see cold would be the very last think I'll fell next to you?"-. I'm just a good viewer, that's all.

Looking at Seungkwan and Vernon, seeing the happiness in their faces, Wonwoo knew exactly what he had to do. He'll show Mingyu his feelings for him, he'll show what the boy wasn't able to see. If he'd need the members' help to do it, he'd ask for it. Kim Mingyu couldn't hide again, neither from Wonwoo nor himself, because he'll find as many ways to get to him as he'll need.


End file.
